Perfectly Normal - NOT!
by Do-Op
Summary: *rated for snogging, cussing, and singing when you can't carry a tune in an un punctured bucket*


Title: Perfectly Normal - NOT!!!  
Author: The Girl Who Loved  
Rating: PG (slight use of unacceptable words, snogging, and people who couldn't sing if dementors said it was all they could do not to get The Kiss)  
Summary: On a perfectly normal day, at a perfectly normal time, in a prefectly normal place, perfectly normal things are happening. NOT! Ron snogging his sis? Hermoine telling off a teacher? Draco being sincere? LOCKHEART??? Harry and Percy, getting along? Remus returns, and is attacked by Sirius and Bethany(the ultimate Mary Sue). LIFE IS GREAT, and I had too much shugar this morning! *Not all of the above will be in chapter 1*  
Sopilers: LOTS! SS, CoS, PoA, GoF (eventually)  
  
  
  
Ch. 1: Early Friday Morning  
  
On a perfectly normal day (Friday), at a perfectly normal time (3 AM), in a perfectly normal place (Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry), perfectly normal things wer going on (snogging, ranting, and singing) - NOT!!!!  
  
High atop the highest tower in the highest place on Earth (whoops! I mean Hogwarts), a small young boy was singing in a tuneless voice,  
  
"We all live in a yellow submarine! Yes we do, we do. We travel a large ocean of green, in our yellow submarine!" His own version of "Yellow Submarine" a popular muggle song.   
  
"Ron's slept with Hermoine in this yellow submarine! Yes he has, he has. Draco's just turned a mean shade of green, in our yellow submarine!   
  
"Trevor the toad died, in this yellow submarine! Yes, he did. He did. And his guts were just the lovliest I've seen, In this yellow submarine!   
  
"Voldemort has seen our yellow submarine! Yes he has, he has. I've learned Avada Kadarva is OH SO GREEN! In my yellow submarine!"   
  
Neville Longbottom was immediatly taken to St. Mungo's, where he would be dutifully visited by his Grandmother Billie and Uncle Bob every Tuesday untill he died from stupidity.   
  
  
  
*Meanwhile*  
  
  
  
In the Gryffindor common room, Harry potter and Draco Malfoy were calmly discussing the common uses of Jellyroot (a wizadring Viagra) when Professor Snape apparated into the room.  
  
"You can't do that!" Hemoine shreiked from her dormatory seven stories up. "YOU CAN'T APPARATE IN HOGWARTS!!! You'd be splinched!!!!" Snape rolled his eyes and apparated up to her room, causing several mindless girls (Brown, Lavender and Pavarati, Patil) to scream in terror and run naked from the room.  
  
"I may do what I wish, Miss Granger." Snape sneered ( a look certified by the Ministry of Magic as perplexing, unusual, and unremarkable).  
  
"IT'S IN THE RULES! RULES APPLY TO EVERYONE, EVEN YOU!" Hermoine said, forgetting her cd player hidden under her pillow and tossing the fluffy pillow at him. He raised an eyebrow (look also certified by the Ministry of Magic as pure Severus Snape).  
  
"I know how to bend rules, as well as you do, Miss Granger." He gestured to the CD player, which broke upon the horror of being seen by Professor Snape.  
  
"Now look what you did you bloody-" Hermoine continued cursing him as she picked up the shattered remains of the Portable CD player and glued them together with Mayo (a reserve supply kept in her trunk for emergencies). "That thing cost seven thousand dolars!"   
  
"It did not!" Snape said, his fur bristling (wait...that's Lupin, NM).   
  
"It did not!" Snape cried, sounding like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  
  
"Wanna bet?" Hermoine dug through her trunk and came up with a recipt for the Portable CD Player (forged for just such an occasion). "SEE?"   
  
"I won't pay for it!" Snape wailed, now sounding like some spoiled brat. This annoying voice caused Hermoine to forget herself for a moment, as she had always been attracted to Snape (in a sickening, wanna-sleep-with-my-boss kinda way), and she kissed him, promptly making him pass out with a powerful right hook afterwards.  
  
In a heated frenzy, she stalked downstairs, only to see Ron and Ginny, snogging in a forgotten niché. Ron was quite alright with being caught, and invited Hermoine to join them. Feeling rather... exited... after her kiss with Snape, she agreed to it (glaring at Brown, Lavender and Pavarati, Patil who were snogging just down a little farther).  
  
In the common room, Draco had challenged Harry to a game of wizarding chess, and they were currently arguing over who should go first.  
  
"You, go."  
  
"No, you."  
  
"I insist."  
  
"Go on, Harry!"  
  
"But I'm always first in everything. You go."  
  
"Exactly. That's why you should go."  
  
"$@!%# Malfoy. I won't go first."  
  
"Me either." There were several moments of scilence (in which, Ginny was heard to be saying, "Don't touch me there!", and Percy weasly was fired for killing his boss). And then Draco spoke, proving him to be as shallow as Creevy, Colin had once estimated. "Wanna go pick up some cute Ravenclaw girls?"  
  
"It's three AM."  
  
"Yeah, but the ones we want won't be asleep, trust me." Harry shrugged.  
  
"Ok."  
  
  
  
  
A/N: I know that this story is stupid, but i'm not opoligising. That's why it was put in the USELESS HUMOR catagory, also known as "funny-fic"  
N*E*Wayz- flames will be happily accepted and used to give me (said writer), light to write by at night. Constructive critisisim (besides spelling checks and grammatical errors) will be cheerfully ignored. I'm not writing this to be perfect, I'm writing it to be silly. Suggestions will be considered (and twisted into the worst possible OOC-edness you can imagine), and postitive reviews will incourage me to write more!  
-The Girl Who Loved 


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